Dear thieves, 

Many thanks for popping over late in the evening to check my van was secure on my driveway. Your marvellous device that remotely unlocked my new-ish VW transporter seems like a very interesting product, I would very much like to see it if you pop over again! I suppose you didn’t expect a carpenter to also be a geek, you see I’d set the onboard computer to lock the doors sooner than you had expected. (it was full of junk anyway!)

It’s a pity I don’t keep my tools around here, as it seems you wasted your time visiting me! Though you did get a little lucky as I left a nice new Makita saw in the open garage that I was using in the day as working at home; as it happens providing better living accommodation for my children. Do you have any children? Do you have any… morals? No? What a surprise.


I thought it would be worth mentioning that in the last 15 years I have worked very hard to pay for the tools & the van. They are rather important to me, as facilitate my efforts to support my family. They also allow me to ‘earn’ money, pay taxes & consequently support others who maybe don’t try so hard. Do you already benefit from this process I wonder?

If you could pop in again, that would be just great, please knock first! This time we could have a face-to-face chat, to discuss a few things and other stuff. Maybe I could try and convince you that your efforts would be better rewarded if you learned a skill and were able to sell that skill to others. Though by the looks of the CCTV video, you both look rather flimsy and might find work somewhat challenging. Nevertheless, I guarantee it would be more rewarding work than your current career.



p.s. Add a ‘swag’ bag to your outfit, I think it would really finish off your look.